Where Our Names Take Us

[Hereafter YOU in all tenses will be used interchangeably with ONE and ONE being a reference to society as a whole] Ever wonder if your name somehow has determined the direction in your life. Or. If there are only certain alternatives one’s life may take or have taken, given one’s name. It’s a common theory. Usually when I discuss it, it’s disseminated through a stylistic combination of derision and sincerity. I mean really if you call your child Eugene you’re sentencing him to a life of chronic masturbation and part-time bedroom ownership by Olga (another name) who just loves to throw his tubby ass to the cedar hardwood floors and spank his leather covered skin while telling him how much he’s NOT going to get the pussy. Oh and this turns him on. He loves it. She revels in it. I thought the whole point here, in this situation, was to get the pussy/dick. I’m so confused. Nonetheless I believe your name does determine your choices in life, not because you don’t necessarily possess the abilities to BE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE! [Ad placement] Hooray and all that shit. But simply because the people around you, familiars and strangers, all will have a preconceived notion of you based off of your name. I mean even I, with my ‘preconceived notions’ about Eugenes and Olgas, will judge them before I know them and will continue to judge them even during the time I do know them because of but not limited to their name. So that randomly made me start thinking about names that probably would lead to a conviction of some sort down the line so I made a list. Here’s the top 10 names that are destined to come with mugshots:

That’s the way to make sure your kid winds up in prison, choose a popular prison name for him in advance.

1. Ron
2. Tyrone
3. Billy Bob
4. Al
5. Hernandez
6. Charles
7. Malik
8. Shaquanda
9. Amy
10. Carlos


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